Gone, But Never Forgotten

So last night I spent hours with May-May working on my vest for my burlesque routine. We spent hours, and I do mean hours, bedazzling the back of my vest to make it look like a sugarskull. As we worked I saw the rainbow of colors and I was taken back to when I was a little kid.

 I would be in my grandmother's downstairs bedroom playing with her jewelry and she would smile and tell me stories about where she got all of her pieces.Sometimes we would play dominos and drink Diet Coke and she would always cheat at the game but she would never admit to it. She always was a sore loser. My grandmother always treated me more than a child. She would let me walk around the neighborhood when my mom wouldn't even let me walk across the street. Sometimes she would take me to work with her at the County Office and she would let me type on her typewriter and she would want to read my little short stories. And I loved how every time my brother had a baseball game she would ask me if I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she knew how much I detested going to the games.

(This is one of my favorite pictures of her)

My grandmother was a fierce and independent woman. She always spoke her mind and always made a chance to let us know that we all needed to love each other. We would always spend Christmas Eve at her house and we would eat and then open presents. But she would do something else that everyone would be looking forward to each year.  She would make the most amazing spice drink during Christmas and no one was able to recreate it. We would always ask how she got it to taste so good and she would just smile at she would say it was a secret recipe and one day we would learn it but that day wasn't today.

I really loved this woman. She would be one of the first people to call me on my birthday and she came to every party till she just couldn't anymore.  My grandmother had Parkinson's Disease and it really took a toll on her as she got older. We had to move her to Assisted Living and then we found out later that she had a mild case of Dementia. It was really hard to see the woman that I admired and love waste away. There were times when I was in school and I just couldn't see her but when I did her eyes would lock on mine and she would listen to me ramble on about nothing at all but she would be hanging on every word. 

She's been dead for a little over two years now but last night I swear I felt her. I was back in her downstair's bedroom, laying her jewelry over the purple carpet as she was told me stories about her yellow broach or rings that she was going to give my mom when she passed away. She never knew about C.C. but I have a very strong feeling that she would have been a fan. She was a very supportive person when it came to gay people.  I wonder if she would have liked what May-May and I did.

I wonder if she would have gone to my first burlesque performance on stage? She would have had a heart attack over some of the guys I know but I think she would have been happy for me. At least she'll be there in spirit.

(My grandmother and me at my 6th birthday party)

You only get one shot at life people. Make sure you make plenty of happy memories with those that you love. That way they will always live in your heart and you'll never really lose them.

Till next week, and that's a promise.

Icing kisses 

Jay

Who Are You?

Last night I was with some friends and a wise woman said to this little girl:

"You know what if someone went up to you asked 'who are you?' do you know how you would answer them?'

She thought for a second.

"I would tell them I'm a dancer."

This girl is twelve and already she knows who she is and I think that is fantastic.

When we're younger we know exactly who we want to be when we grow up but somehow along the way we forget and we struggle to find ourselves again.

When I was a little kid I remember I wanted to be an actor or a performer or really anything to do with being on stage in front of a lot of people. I wanted to be on a stage and sing or make people laugh. I had a small taste of that when I was ten years old and I did The Wizard of Oz. I had two roles in that show. The first was being one of the Munchkins that Dorothy meets after her landing in Oz and my lines consisted of part of a song and two or three sentences. My second role was being one of the soliders in the Emerald City. It was really cute how we did it. We had the general, who was the tallest of us, bark orders to the other soliders and each soldier would relay the order down the line till they reached the shortest soldier namely me. And then I would act out the order. So I did a few military marching steps before collapsing on the ground and telling them my feet hurt. This got a few laughs and then I got to argue with the general and I convinced him, and the other guys, that if they didn't obey my commands then I wouldn't march. Silly I know but it was a great scene. Right after that I got to attack the Cowardly Lion and him and I had a lot of fun doing that scene. And I enjoyed hearing the laughter from the audience and when the time came for the curtain call I was filled with joy.

(Me in high school rehearsing The Manhattan Project's Alice in Wonderland)

The reason I didn't act again until high school was because our director was a horrible woman and she ran the theatre like a dictator. So I steered clear for a long time. And I still had that urge, that need to be on stage again. So I tried out for UIL (University Interscholastic League) speaking events and it just wasn't the same. But along the way to high school I found out that I really enjoyed writing. In the 6th grade I met a fantastic woman and she was my English teacher. At one point the students were asked to do a writing prompt and the work had to be a thousand words or less. I was writing my paper and when I noticed I had already written about five pages I went up to my teacher and I told that I was well over a thousand words but my story was no where near complete. She smiled at me and said:

"Then keep working on it. And promise me something? When you publish your first book please dedicate it to me."

And I did.

But that is another story for another time

There were times were I really couldn't remember what I wanted to do with my life. Everyone I knew wanted me to be something else and a lot of them didn't support my ideas or dreams. And I was lost for a bit and I really didn't know what I was going to do but then I found a kindred spirit that wanted a lot of the same things I did. I will never stop trying to make those dreams a reality. Casanova Cupcake is so much to me. And now I'm doing my burlesque classes, which are great by the way, and I feel like I'm reconnecting with that part of me when I was a little kid. I really think that he'd be proud of me.

So I guess if anyone were to ask me 'who are you?' I think I'd answer.

"I'm Jay. I'm a performer and a writer."

So, if you don't me asking, Sprinkles, who are you?

Icing kisses,

J.S.

P.S. here is a hint for what my routine is going to be.