Reconnecting With Your Inner Self

It has been many, many months since I last wrote. I don't know when or how it started really all I know is that one day I opened my computer to write and then I froze. I tried countless times that day and the weeks after to write something but something kept seizing my heart and my brain couldn't connect to the words that I wanted my fingers to type.   became scared, no, terrified, to write. In my head I would say 'it's been too long', 'no one would want to read this anyway', 'I don't know what to write about'. I wanted to write something personal but I have this weird thing where I hate showing vulnerability. I have this stupid thought that when laid completely bare no one will like what they see. Time and time again I have been proven wrong by that.

There were a lot of changes were going around at the time and I just shut down. I had this light, this connection, and it all seemed to have vanished as the days wore on. I forgot what it was like to feel pride and magic in my writing. I kept waiting and waiting for a magical renewal like a concert, a con, a burlesque show, something, but every time I was disappointed. Why, why wasn't I feeling that connection that I felt so long ago? And then it happened last week when May and I were auditioning for a show. We were both having horrible days. Plans to go out to Tyler fell through, again, and I felt like it was all my fault because of my crazy work schedule. May was upset because the plans changed, I was upset because I had a stressful day at work and I didn't even feel like auditioning. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out but I didn't. May was sad and I can't bear to see my family hurt so I pushed aside my negativity and we went back to his place and got ready for my video.

As I drove back to his place something echoed in my mind from years ago. As you all know I love Veronica Varlow. Once she appeared on MTV's Made to help a wonderful girl, Andrea, become homecoming queen. Veronica asked Andrea to find a picture of when she, Andrea, was last happy. When I got to May's house I scrolled through the pictures of myself. When was the last time that I was truly 100% happy? When did I last feel that magical connection where everything seemed to sync up and make sense? And then I found this picture:

My debut performance. I looked so happy and I remember feeling that connection to my inner self. The person I saw myself being in my head, the person I always wanted to be. As May did my make up we just chatted about life and things we wanted. Every now and then I would glance at myself in the mirror and I would smile and felt my heart swell a little. But it wasn't until May was lacing up my corset with Joan Jett and the Blackhearts' 'I Hate Myself For Loving You' was playing in the background did I feel that connection I had missed so much. I felt something click inside of me and instantly there was a change. I was happy and I was in the moment again. For moment I thought that I had lost that feeling as we had a couple of technical issues with the camera but after the last try I was there again. I was myself and I felt the magic.

I felt alive and wonderful. I had missed this side of myself so much. Here was my confidence, here was my magic, my strength, my power, my love. Why had I shut it out for so long? Did I just forget or did the day to day life just take its toll? Honestly, I don't know what happened. I just got lost but now I think I found my feet on the right path again. I never want to lose it again.

For those for feel like they lost a piece of themselves you can find it again. Think about the last time you felt that surge of energy, that freedom, the magic of your soul. Trace your steps back to that moment and recreate it. Draw it out, get dolled up, sing, dance, laugh, spin, and reach out. That piece will be there and when you find them, they will smile back at you. 

Love always,

Jay