Boy was it a long month.
I have been having a lot of things hitting me these last few weeks. I had a burlesque show to plan, a Pride outfit to construct, had to get together supplies for the art contest winners, had to pay all my bills, and still try and find a way to make at least 32 hours a week. It just wasn't happening and in the end something had to give. And I shut down. This is a my horrible way of coping with life when I bite off way more than I can chew. I just wanted to do so much that I didn't even begin to think if I could handle the work load.
So I'm going to get this out real quick. I'm sorry. I try not to do this but it does happen and it's something that I'm trying to fix.
For my art contest winners if you will email all of your mailing addresses to casanovacupcake@hotmail.com that would be wonderful. I have most of your necklace items I just need the chains. Also the candle making kit will be purchase this Friday or Saturday after I pay one of my late bills and then I'll be making them next week. And then shipping as soon as possible. Again I'm sorry. I will try to be better and more scheduled in the future.
I will ignore that voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough or that no one will care. I will keep my promises and will do the best I can do in any situation.
Alright, I've dusted myself off.
I'm ready to get back in the game.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Tell Me About It Tuesday: Tattoos
I have always wanted to get a tattoo.
When I was growing up my parents told me that there were certain things that they did not want us kids doing. One of them was getting a tattoo. My mom actually threaten to cut the skin, where the ink, was off with a rusty butcher knife. And that was enough to give any kid nightmares for a few years. But two of my sisters, one of my brother-in-laws, and my sister-in-law all have at least one.
There is a tattoo convention that comes to town once a year and I told my boyfriend about it. He has always wanted to get covered up in tats but hasn't because sometimes they can be really expensive. But this convention offers HUGE discounts and he really wants to get started by getting just one. I do too but I don't know which to start with. I do know that I want a tattoo to represent the different sides of me. So I have some pictures (not the ones I'm going to use, just to give you an idea) of what I might want.
1) Bite Marks-This one actually has a funny story. So when me and my boyfriend first started getting intimate I would leave all this hickeys and bruises on his neck and body mostly because he has very poor circulation and it doesn't take much to leave a mark on him. Anyway, for the longest time I wanted a hickey, or a mark of passion if you will. And Nate's a biter so we were a little discouraged when every mark he left disappeared after an hour, because I have very good circulation. Well one day he bit really hard on my chest and almost drew blood. There on my chest was a huge bite mark and I was so happy. It took days to heal but I didn't care. So I would want to have a bite mark on my chest where my heart is. To show that someone has my heart. That it is his and no one else's.
2) Fairies-Yesterday Nathan said that I was a fairy in a past life. I believe that maybe I some fairy relatives in my family because of how I feel connected to people, nature, magic, and things of that nature. So what I want is a vine going up my leg, maybe up to my knee, and to have the seven colors of the rainbow as flowers on the vine. And to have a fairy by each rose either smelling them or helping them grow. This I feel shows my pride as a gay individual and shows my love for my fairy side.
3) Angel-I've always wanted an angel on my shoulder. I love angels and I do believe in them. This way I always have someone watching out for me and to help me make the right choices in life. Also Nathan's nickname for me has always been Angel so there is that significance too.
4) The Libra Symbol- I am a Libra, Oct 3, and I have pride in my symbol. I would want this on one of my wrists.
5) Phoenix-The phoenix is a beautiful creature and my favorite one as well. A symbol of fire and rebirth. I wanted a phoenix with a broken chain around its ankle when i was younger to symbolize me breaking away from my old life and being reborn as someone else and taking flight. Now I don't know where I would get this. Maybe on my other shoulder? I don't know.
But those were just a few ideas. This is what I love about tattoos. They can mean anything and they can tell such amazing stories. So tell me in the comments what tattoos do you want or have? And what are the stories behind them?
When I was growing up my parents told me that there were certain things that they did not want us kids doing. One of them was getting a tattoo. My mom actually threaten to cut the skin, where the ink, was off with a rusty butcher knife. And that was enough to give any kid nightmares for a few years. But two of my sisters, one of my brother-in-laws, and my sister-in-law all have at least one.
There is a tattoo convention that comes to town once a year and I told my boyfriend about it. He has always wanted to get covered up in tats but hasn't because sometimes they can be really expensive. But this convention offers HUGE discounts and he really wants to get started by getting just one. I do too but I don't know which to start with. I do know that I want a tattoo to represent the different sides of me. So I have some pictures (not the ones I'm going to use, just to give you an idea) of what I might want.
1) Bite Marks-This one actually has a funny story. So when me and my boyfriend first started getting intimate I would leave all this hickeys and bruises on his neck and body mostly because he has very poor circulation and it doesn't take much to leave a mark on him. Anyway, for the longest time I wanted a hickey, or a mark of passion if you will. And Nate's a biter so we were a little discouraged when every mark he left disappeared after an hour, because I have very good circulation. Well one day he bit really hard on my chest and almost drew blood. There on my chest was a huge bite mark and I was so happy. It took days to heal but I didn't care. So I would want to have a bite mark on my chest where my heart is. To show that someone has my heart. That it is his and no one else's.
2) Fairies-Yesterday Nathan said that I was a fairy in a past life. I believe that maybe I some fairy relatives in my family because of how I feel connected to people, nature, magic, and things of that nature. So what I want is a vine going up my leg, maybe up to my knee, and to have the seven colors of the rainbow as flowers on the vine. And to have a fairy by each rose either smelling them or helping them grow. This I feel shows my pride as a gay individual and shows my love for my fairy side.
3) Angel-I've always wanted an angel on my shoulder. I love angels and I do believe in them. This way I always have someone watching out for me and to help me make the right choices in life. Also Nathan's nickname for me has always been Angel so there is that significance too.
4) The Libra Symbol- I am a Libra, Oct 3, and I have pride in my symbol. I would want this on one of my wrists.
5) Phoenix-The phoenix is a beautiful creature and my favorite one as well. A symbol of fire and rebirth. I wanted a phoenix with a broken chain around its ankle when i was younger to symbolize me breaking away from my old life and being reborn as someone else and taking flight. Now I don't know where I would get this. Maybe on my other shoulder? I don't know.
But those were just a few ideas. This is what I love about tattoos. They can mean anything and they can tell such amazing stories. So tell me in the comments what tattoos do you want or have? And what are the stories behind them?
Love and Icing Kisses,
J.S.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The Magic of Tarot
Welcome back to another segment of Tell Me About It Tuesday.
After reading Veronica's post about tarot yesterday I felt inspired to write about my own experiences with the tarot.
Magic has always interested me, especially when I was younger. I was drawn to it. I didn't get interested in tarot until I was about nine or ten years old. I'm almost a little embarrassed to admit this but it was from a T.V. show called The Vision of Escaflowne.
The show was a about an average high school girl named Hitomi. She was on the track team and she also told fortunes for her classmates via tarot. I just remember being so entranced by the cards and her ability to know their meaning just by looking at them. She ends up getting whisked away to another planet called Gaea and her psychic powers become even more powerful. It's a good show and I do recommend it to any anime lovers.
I was about seventeen when I bought my first deck which was the Rider-Watie Deck. I thought that this would be a good one to start with since this was the deck I saw the most. I used this deck a lot in college because I had friends that wanted advice about something in their lives and I was more than happy to get the practice in. It wasn't until my friend Mark showed up for on of our plays that noticed his deck, the Revelations Deck.
After reading Veronica's post about tarot yesterday I felt inspired to write about my own experiences with the tarot.
(Strength from the Paulina Tarot)
Magic has always interested me, especially when I was younger. I was drawn to it. I didn't get interested in tarot until I was about nine or ten years old. I'm almost a little embarrassed to admit this but it was from a T.V. show called The Vision of Escaflowne.
The show was a about an average high school girl named Hitomi. She was on the track team and she also told fortunes for her classmates via tarot. I just remember being so entranced by the cards and her ability to know their meaning just by looking at them. She ends up getting whisked away to another planet called Gaea and her psychic powers become even more powerful. It's a good show and I do recommend it to any anime lovers.
(A picture of some of Hitomi's cards)
I couldn't believe that someone could actually know your past, present, or future by using something as simple as cards. I wanted to have my fortune told by someone but being that I was a little kid and my parents frown upon something like this, I kept it my dream to myself. Then one day in my freshman year of high school my friend Amber brought her own tarot deck to class. I don't remember the name of it. All I can remember was that the cards had cartoon-ish looking dragons on them. She did a few card spreads for us and then asked if anyone of us wanted to have our own reading. I jumped at the chance. She told me to think of a question and only that question. So I closed my eyes and focused on my question while shuffling the cards in my hands. I gave her back her cards and she started the spread. I don't remember all the cards that were used. All I remember was the last card. The card that was supposed to be my answer.
I was about seventeen when I bought my first deck which was the Rider-Watie Deck. I thought that this would be a good one to start with since this was the deck I saw the most. I used this deck a lot in college because I had friends that wanted advice about something in their lives and I was more than happy to get the practice in. It wasn't until my friend Mark showed up for on of our plays that noticed his deck, the Revelations Deck.
I didn't know about the vast possibilities when it came to the cards. This is when my friend, Tanya, asked me if my deck spoke to me or if I ever felt drawn to it. I told her not really. I just got it because I thought it was a good one to start with. She told me when buying anything magical you need to feel something for it. It needs to speak to you. And it took me a while to find the right cards but after all this searching I finally did.
This was the first card that I saw and I fell in love. I finally understood what my friends meant. I felt drawn to these cards. I could hear them calling out to me. And they have been very helpful in all my readings.
If any of you are ever interested in tarot and want to see what kinds of decks are out there I recommend Aeclectic Tarot or Tarot.com although you can find decks pretty much anywhere. Just remember when purchasing your deck
1) have a connection with it. If you feel drawn to it or if it speaks to you or maybe you can already see a story when you look at the cards. You need to feel something for it.
2) Never haggle for the prices of magical items. Just my advice.
Or maybe you don't really feel like tarot is your thing and you want to try orcale cards. There are a huge selection of those are well. In fact May-May uses them. His cards are the Oracle of Shadows and Light.
Well that's all I have for you today. And if you ever want a reading from me all you have to do is ask ;)
Icing kisses,
J.S.
Friday, July 19, 2013
This Is Our Life Thursday: Graduation!
Oh I have been dying to write about this.
This is what I saw as I gazed at the computer a couple of months ago. It was a sign. I had asked for a closer burlesque opportunity and here it was staring back at me. Immediately I saw there was a class and signed up the very next morning. A lot of people said I was crazy to drive to Dallas every Sunday for six weeks. It was too far, gas costs too much, blah, blah, blah. I knew I was in the right place. The first moment I knew that was when I met my teacher Dirty Blonde.
This is what I saw as I gazed at the computer a couple of months ago. It was a sign. I had asked for a closer burlesque opportunity and here it was staring back at me. Immediately I saw there was a class and signed up the very next morning. A lot of people said I was crazy to drive to Dallas every Sunday for six weeks. It was too far, gas costs too much, blah, blah, blah. I knew I was in the right place. The first moment I knew that was when I met my teacher Dirty Blonde.
(Here she is!)
Seriously best woman alive, ever. I was nervous at first because I really didn't think I was learning anything. But after the second class things seemed to click. At one point we had to perform our routines for the classes and get feedback from her and the other students. When it was my turn she gave me some good advice on where on how to the use the stage to my advantage and the best piece was to just have fun.
"You're a natural. You have this infectious smile and I already know they are going to LOVE you"
And so it came. It was Friday, July 17th, and I had already my make up on from the show. We did a brief run through of the show to make sure all of our tech stuff was taken care off and we headed up to the dressing room and waited for our names to be called.
I was nervous. Terrified, really. Not about performing or being on stage, but of what the audience was going to think. Would they like it? Would they think it was stupid? Would anyone cheer? I took a breath and squeezed my potion bottle that I got from Veronica and focused. I felt better and then I was at the bottom of the stairs behind the curtain that led to the stage. Waiting for my cue to walk up steps to the stage. My heart was pounding in my chest.
"Give it up for the male harlot, Mr. Jay Scarlet!"
The crowd erupted into cheers and I glided up to the stage. A long crimson cloak covered me and hid my face. The music started off slow and haunting and it picked up to a faster a beat. I slid off the cloak and turned around and the screams got louder.
(The first reveal)
And I owned that stage. I heard nothing but screams and laughs and whoops. It was so amazing. I felt that spark again. I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. And then it was over. I tilted my head and blew a kiss to the audience before walking off the steps and then running up the stairs laughing like a little kid. I went downstairs, in a borrowed bathrobe, and watched the second half of the show and loved every second of it. The guys I got to work with I feel like we're going to be friends for a very long time.
So after the show I was told to go to a small 24-hour diner that was just a block and a half away from the theater and have "stripper breakfast". To better initiate myself to the fabulous world of burlesque. Although I was just starving from eating all day and I really wanted pancakes. So the crew and I went to the diner and ate and soon everyone showed up in tow. Unfortunately I had to open at work the next day (always take the next day off people, just my piece of advice) so we had to leave.
Right before I left I took Dirty's hand and said thank you again and again. Thank you for starting a school in Dallas, thank you for helping me on my first real burlesque routine, thank you for the opportunity, and thank for everything else. Her reply was: "Thank you for coming, thank you for performing, I am so glad that I got to meet you, you're a natural"
I love her I really do. She is fantastic, fabulous, and fierce. And she invited me to come back in September to do another boylesque show. Of course I'm going to do it. I have to see all my brothers and sisters again.
(The first being Chess Shires)
(Eros Jones)
(Ida Bubbestein)
(MT Molotov)
(Lyric Laveau)
(Mitch Kitsch)
(G.I. Jim)
(Vincent Vermuth, brother to Vivienne Vermuth who did my kick ass make up)
And the last but certainly not least is Stephan the Southern Fried King of Burlesque. This guy was so amazing and so great to work. He's very talented and I would really kill for his fantastic legs.
So yeah that's it. I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday the photographer who came to the show is still uploading pictures so when I get more trust me I'll be posting them. So you'll guys will just have to be satisfied with the one on top and one of whore face.
Also a huge thank you to everyone that participated in the art contest. It's going to be very tough to choose but I will let you know by next Thursday.
I love you all and I hope you have a magical weekend.
Icing Kisses,
J.S.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Tell Me About It Tuesday: That's Amore
Welcome to the first entry of Tell Me About It Tuesdays.
I was at work scratching my head about what to write about and then I got my answer from one of my friends at work. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend and asked me if I could stay a little bit longer just to talk. And as we talked I kept seeing little red flags pop up when he talked about her. And I even made a point to tell him that. But he would say "No, I'm saying that wrong". So I listened and more and more red flags kept popping up.
Then a thought came to me. Why, why do we rationalize our bad relationships? Why stay with someone that makes you feel like your the only in the relationship? And then the wisest of sayings crept out of my memory.
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
Who in their right mind would think that they deserved that? And then I remember my one and only ex-girlfriend. I remember our eight months together and how I was always getting burned. Why didn't I get out sooner? I was young, that was my very first relationship, and I thought that I deserved it. I thought that I deserved all the things she put me through. So today I want to tell you what you deserve.
1 Kindness-Everyone deserves someone who is kind. Someone that will hold you at your weakest and embrace you at your strongest. Someone who cares for you and not just themselves. And if you
2 Patience-Everyone deserves someone that will be patient. Sometimes we have things that we need to get through and that takes time. A person who loves you will not only wait but try to help you through whatever you are going through.
3 Honesty-Honesty and communication are the keys to any good relationship. Love doesn't keep secrets or makes you paranoid about your significant other. Be open with each other.
4 Acceptance-Love accepts you for you. It doesn't make you change yourself for somebody else. If you want to change yourself for your own needs then love supports it. Love sees all of your quirks and tells you how unique and amazing you are.
5 Safety-The one you are with should make you feel like you are safe in their arms and vice versa.You should feel safe that you are not going to be judge by something you do or say. When you are lying in bed together, or on the couch watching a movie or TV, you should feel protected from outside world. The reason why is whenever you two are alone you are in a sacred and safe place that only you two know.
6 Hope-A loving person hopes for the future and works hard at making that future a reality. They doesn't sit and waste their time nor do they focus on the negative aspects of life. Instead they try and look on the brighter side of things and make things better.
7 Reliability-You should be able to count on someone. Someone that keeps their appointments and doesn't fall back on their promises is a good person. If someone says 'I'm always here for you whenever you need me' best keep that promise. Love is the person you call at 2 am when you're car is broken down on the side of the road.
9 Empathy-A caring person is someone that everyone needs. Not only will they ask about your problems and try to make you feel better, they will also go out and try to help their fellow man. A person who doesn't care about other living creatures doesn't have much love in their hearts. Also there are times when people get into a disagreement and sometimes it gets heated. A real realationship moves past it and forgives.
10 Fun-And this is the most important one. Love is fun. Love makes you feel like your a little kid again. It makes you believe in the magic of your childhood. It sees a hill and tells you 'hey let's have a race to see who can roll down that hill the fastest'. It makes you laugh, smile, and takes your breath away. A relationship without fun has no life and won't thrive.
I'm not saying that you need all of this but you do need a lot of it. It's what we all desreve in relationships. However there are also things we do not deserve.
We do not deserve abuse. If you are ever hit by someone then you leave. Love is not abusive. Love doesn't take list of all of your flaws. Love doesn't lie to you. Love doesn't force you to do things that you don't want to do. Love doesn't make you sacrifice. Love doesn't make you fear. Love isn't proud or boastful. Love isn't in it just for the sex or your appearence. Love does not dishonor you or others. Love doesn't leave you as a second choice.
And I really could go on but you get the picture I'm sure.
You, stranger at your computer, deserve love and happiness. It is one of our unalienable rights. Something that can never be taken away. And I hope you receive that gift, if you haven't already. And if you haven't know that I love you.
I was at work scratching my head about what to write about and then I got my answer from one of my friends at work. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend and asked me if I could stay a little bit longer just to talk. And as we talked I kept seeing little red flags pop up when he talked about her. And I even made a point to tell him that. But he would say "No, I'm saying that wrong". So I listened and more and more red flags kept popping up.
Then a thought came to me. Why, why do we rationalize our bad relationships? Why stay with someone that makes you feel like your the only in the relationship? And then the wisest of sayings crept out of my memory.
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
Who in their right mind would think that they deserved that? And then I remember my one and only ex-girlfriend. I remember our eight months together and how I was always getting burned. Why didn't I get out sooner? I was young, that was my very first relationship, and I thought that I deserved it. I thought that I deserved all the things she put me through. So today I want to tell you what you deserve.
1 Kindness-Everyone deserves someone who is kind. Someone that will hold you at your weakest and embrace you at your strongest. Someone who cares for you and not just themselves. And if you
2 Patience-Everyone deserves someone that will be patient. Sometimes we have things that we need to get through and that takes time. A person who loves you will not only wait but try to help you through whatever you are going through.
3 Honesty-Honesty and communication are the keys to any good relationship. Love doesn't keep secrets or makes you paranoid about your significant other. Be open with each other.
4 Acceptance-Love accepts you for you. It doesn't make you change yourself for somebody else. If you want to change yourself for your own needs then love supports it. Love sees all of your quirks and tells you how unique and amazing you are.
5 Safety-The one you are with should make you feel like you are safe in their arms and vice versa.You should feel safe that you are not going to be judge by something you do or say. When you are lying in bed together, or on the couch watching a movie or TV, you should feel protected from outside world. The reason why is whenever you two are alone you are in a sacred and safe place that only you two know.
6 Hope-A loving person hopes for the future and works hard at making that future a reality. They doesn't sit and waste their time nor do they focus on the negative aspects of life. Instead they try and look on the brighter side of things and make things better.
7 Reliability-You should be able to count on someone. Someone that keeps their appointments and doesn't fall back on their promises is a good person. If someone says 'I'm always here for you whenever you need me' best keep that promise. Love is the person you call at 2 am when you're car is broken down on the side of the road.
9 Empathy-A caring person is someone that everyone needs. Not only will they ask about your problems and try to make you feel better, they will also go out and try to help their fellow man. A person who doesn't care about other living creatures doesn't have much love in their hearts. Also there are times when people get into a disagreement and sometimes it gets heated. A real realationship moves past it and forgives.
10 Fun-And this is the most important one. Love is fun. Love makes you feel like your a little kid again. It makes you believe in the magic of your childhood. It sees a hill and tells you 'hey let's have a race to see who can roll down that hill the fastest'. It makes you laugh, smile, and takes your breath away. A relationship without fun has no life and won't thrive.
I'm not saying that you need all of this but you do need a lot of it. It's what we all desreve in relationships. However there are also things we do not deserve.
We do not deserve abuse. If you are ever hit by someone then you leave. Love is not abusive. Love doesn't take list of all of your flaws. Love doesn't lie to you. Love doesn't force you to do things that you don't want to do. Love doesn't make you sacrifice. Love doesn't make you fear. Love isn't proud or boastful. Love isn't in it just for the sex or your appearence. Love does not dishonor you or others. Love doesn't leave you as a second choice.
And I really could go on but you get the picture I'm sure.
You, stranger at your computer, deserve love and happiness. It is one of our unalienable rights. Something that can never be taken away. And I hope you receive that gift, if you haven't already. And if you haven't know that I love you.
Till Thursday, Sprinkes,
Love always and Icing Kisses
J.S.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Wayward Mermaid Confessions And Nervous Feelings
So what do you guys think about the new look? To be honest I just got tired of staring at nothing but darkness so I wanted to add some color and life to the blog. I like it this new look a lot better than the last one and I hope you guys do too.
So this week I have two things I wanted to talk about. The first one is something that I've actually wanted to talk about for a little while now. When I first started blogging when I was 17 I wanted to have a place where I could put all my thoughts and feelings and not be judged or criticized for it. But every time I started I always kept back something.
I can't say that.
People will think I'm weird.
No one would want to read that.
I never really felt like I had a safe space, other than my journal. Then a few weeks ago May-May and I were working on music and he asked if I wanted to go swimming. I love the water so of course I jumped at the offer. We changed into our trunks and swam around and around and just talked. It was very open and freeing just to talk to a friend about crazy ideas for the future, thoughts on romance and love, and small fears that we were both hoping to get over.
"So what do we call this?" he asked me as he swam over to the other side of the pool.
"I don't know....I always kind of felt like a mermaid in this pool ever since you made those tails."
"Hmm...Mermaid Confessions?"
"Wayward Mermaid Confessions!"
And whenever we want a to have a magical discussion we say "Wayward Mermaid Confession?" and then grab our trunks and our tails and head to the pool where the moon and the stars are our only light.
So that's what I have for you all this week. Also if you haven't checked out my art contest you really should. And one more thing, I'm adding two new segments to the blog. Memory Lane Mondays, done at the first of monday each month, and Tell Me About It Tuesdays where I'll give you guys insights on what May and I like to do when we're not doing C.C. business. Also if you guys want to email us any thoughts or questions (casanovacupcake@hotmail.com) we are more than happy to listen and/or answer.
So this week I have two things I wanted to talk about. The first one is something that I've actually wanted to talk about for a little while now. When I first started blogging when I was 17 I wanted to have a place where I could put all my thoughts and feelings and not be judged or criticized for it. But every time I started I always kept back something.
I can't say that.
People will think I'm weird.
No one would want to read that.
I never really felt like I had a safe space, other than my journal. Then a few weeks ago May-May and I were working on music and he asked if I wanted to go swimming. I love the water so of course I jumped at the offer. We changed into our trunks and swam around and around and just talked. It was very open and freeing just to talk to a friend about crazy ideas for the future, thoughts on romance and love, and small fears that we were both hoping to get over.
"So what do we call this?" he asked me as he swam over to the other side of the pool.
"I don't know....I always kind of felt like a mermaid in this pool ever since you made those tails."
"Hmm...Mermaid Confessions?"
"Wayward Mermaid Confessions!"
And whenever we want a to have a magical discussion we say "Wayward Mermaid Confession?" and then grab our trunks and our tails and head to the pool where the moon and the stars are our only light.
(a picture of Selene my mermaid goddess)
But I wanted to extend that magic to all of you. I want the blog to be a place where people can say something that they are afraid to say elsewhere, or to ask questions that they are too afraid to ask. This is a safe place for everyone. Here we are all family and there is nothing but love and acceptance.
The second thing is this.
Tomorrow I perform at the Dallas Academy of Burlesque and I'm already starting to get butterflies. The thought of being on stage thrills me to no end. I can't wait for that but still something in me shaking and partially freaking out. This was something that I confessed to May-May and he told me that maybe the reason why I'm nervous is because I just jumped into the class. There was some thought before I signed up but it was more a snap-decision. Part of me agreed with this but another part had a different reason. I am a firm believer that you shouldn't care about what strangers think of you but we all have insecurities and to say that I don't have any would be a lie. I am worried about messing up on stage or people thinking my routine is stupid or any number of things that could go wrong. I know I can't listen to these thoughts though. Thinking something bad will happen will actually cause something bad to happen. Positive thoughts will make positive things happen. So tonight after I get back from work I'm going to take a nice hot bath and light some candles and relax.
Til next time,
Icing kisses,
J.S.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Gone, But Never Forgotten
So last night I spent hours with May-May working on my vest for my burlesque routine. We spent hours, and I do mean hours, bedazzling the back of my vest to make it look like a sugarskull. As we worked I saw the rainbow of colors and I was taken back to when I was a little kid.
I would be in my grandmother's downstairs bedroom playing with her jewelry and she would smile and tell me stories about where she got all of her pieces.Sometimes we would play dominos and drink Diet Coke and she would always cheat at the game but she would never admit to it. She always was a sore loser. My grandmother always treated me more than a child. She would let me walk around the neighborhood when my mom wouldn't even let me walk across the street. Sometimes she would take me to work with her at the County Office and she would let me type on her typewriter and she would want to read my little short stories. And I loved how every time my brother had a baseball game she would ask me if I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she knew how much I detested going to the games.
I would be in my grandmother's downstairs bedroom playing with her jewelry and she would smile and tell me stories about where she got all of her pieces.Sometimes we would play dominos and drink Diet Coke and she would always cheat at the game but she would never admit to it. She always was a sore loser. My grandmother always treated me more than a child. She would let me walk around the neighborhood when my mom wouldn't even let me walk across the street. Sometimes she would take me to work with her at the County Office and she would let me type on her typewriter and she would want to read my little short stories. And I loved how every time my brother had a baseball game she would ask me if I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she knew how much I detested going to the games.
(This is one of my favorite pictures of her)
My grandmother was a fierce and independent woman. She always spoke her mind and always made a chance to let us know that we all needed to love each other. We would always spend Christmas Eve at her house and we would eat and then open presents. But she would do something else that everyone would be looking forward to each year. She would make the most amazing spice drink during Christmas and no one was able to recreate it. We would always ask how she got it to taste so good and she would just smile at she would say it was a secret recipe and one day we would learn it but that day wasn't today.
I really loved this woman. She would be one of the first people to call me on my birthday and she came to every party till she just couldn't anymore. My grandmother had Parkinson's Disease and it really took a toll on her as she got older. We had to move her to Assisted Living and then we found out later that she had a mild case of Dementia. It was really hard to see the woman that I admired and love waste away. There were times when I was in school and I just couldn't see her but when I did her eyes would lock on mine and she would listen to me ramble on about nothing at all but she would be hanging on every word.
She's been dead for a little over two years now but last night I swear I felt her. I was back in her downstair's bedroom, laying her jewelry over the purple carpet as she was told me stories about her yellow broach or rings that she was going to give my mom when she passed away. She never knew about C.C. but I have a very strong feeling that she would have been a fan. She was a very supportive person when it came to gay people. I wonder if she would have liked what May-May and I did.
I wonder if she would have gone to my first burlesque performance on stage? She would have had a heart attack over some of the guys I know but I think she would have been happy for me. At least she'll be there in spirit.
(My grandmother and me at my 6th birthday party)
You only get one shot at life people. Make sure you make plenty of happy memories with those that you love. That way they will always live in your heart and you'll never really lose them.
Till next week, and that's a promise.
Icing kisses
Jay
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