Gone, But Never Forgotten

So last night I spent hours with May-May working on my vest for my burlesque routine. We spent hours, and I do mean hours, bedazzling the back of my vest to make it look like a sugarskull. As we worked I saw the rainbow of colors and I was taken back to when I was a little kid.

 I would be in my grandmother's downstairs bedroom playing with her jewelry and she would smile and tell me stories about where she got all of her pieces.Sometimes we would play dominos and drink Diet Coke and she would always cheat at the game but she would never admit to it. She always was a sore loser. My grandmother always treated me more than a child. She would let me walk around the neighborhood when my mom wouldn't even let me walk across the street. Sometimes she would take me to work with her at the County Office and she would let me type on her typewriter and she would want to read my little short stories. And I loved how every time my brother had a baseball game she would ask me if I wanted to spend the weekend with her because she knew how much I detested going to the games.

(This is one of my favorite pictures of her)

My grandmother was a fierce and independent woman. She always spoke her mind and always made a chance to let us know that we all needed to love each other. We would always spend Christmas Eve at her house and we would eat and then open presents. But she would do something else that everyone would be looking forward to each year.  She would make the most amazing spice drink during Christmas and no one was able to recreate it. We would always ask how she got it to taste so good and she would just smile at she would say it was a secret recipe and one day we would learn it but that day wasn't today.

I really loved this woman. She would be one of the first people to call me on my birthday and she came to every party till she just couldn't anymore.  My grandmother had Parkinson's Disease and it really took a toll on her as she got older. We had to move her to Assisted Living and then we found out later that she had a mild case of Dementia. It was really hard to see the woman that I admired and love waste away. There were times when I was in school and I just couldn't see her but when I did her eyes would lock on mine and she would listen to me ramble on about nothing at all but she would be hanging on every word. 

She's been dead for a little over two years now but last night I swear I felt her. I was back in her downstair's bedroom, laying her jewelry over the purple carpet as she was told me stories about her yellow broach or rings that she was going to give my mom when she passed away. She never knew about C.C. but I have a very strong feeling that she would have been a fan. She was a very supportive person when it came to gay people.  I wonder if she would have liked what May-May and I did.

I wonder if she would have gone to my first burlesque performance on stage? She would have had a heart attack over some of the guys I know but I think she would have been happy for me. At least she'll be there in spirit.

(My grandmother and me at my 6th birthday party)

You only get one shot at life people. Make sure you make plenty of happy memories with those that you love. That way they will always live in your heart and you'll never really lose them.

Till next week, and that's a promise.

Icing kisses 

Jay

RIP Grandmother

My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. She had had an ongoing battle with Parkinson's Disease for a large portion of her life. For the last few years she slowly wasted away in a hospital bed. She lost her mobility, her ability to eat, and finally her speech. In the last week of her life she stayed a sleep most of the time. On Sunday, March 27, 2011 she was no longer suffering.

My grandmother was an amazing woman. She always treated me like an adult even when I was just a child. She would always let me stay at her house on weekends instead of going to my older brother's baseball games. I loved her house and I loved her. When I was very little she would let me go across the street, a privilege not many children had, to go and get pizza for lunch. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and she never once made that holiday anything but amazing. Christmas Eve was always at her house and she made her annual Christmas Cider, a recipe that no one has ever been able to duplicate. We would always open presents there and eat to our stomachs ached. She was District Clerk for a long time and everyone in town knew her. She was loved by many people.

As her sickness started to worsen, my grandmother was no longer able to live in her house alone. She had to moved into Assisted Living. Soon it was very easy to see that she was getting worse. Her appearance began to change and not for the better either. I would actually make excuses not to go see her because the woman in that bed was not my grandmother. I had convinced myself that she had died and that the woman in the bed was nothing more than a husk, a shell. As time passed I felt guilty for doing this but I did not change. Even when the hospice people told us that "this is it" or "she won't last the week". But my grandmother was a stubborn woman and she would not leave this earth until she was ready. In the last month I started seeing her again and as much as I was able to. She could hardly speak at this point. I would get down on my knees, so that I was eye-level with her, and I would talk to her. Her eyes would lock on mine and I knew that she was hanging on every word. I wanted to get the book that I had written last year and read it to her but I didn't get the chance to. I said goodbye to her the Thursday before her death. I kissed her head and did my best not to cry, which was all but impossible.

At her funeral I had an idea. As some of you know the album is going to be short a song and I thought that maybe I could write a song in honor of my grandmother. I had several conflicting thoughts later. Would any of my family want this? Would it be in bad taste? My grandmother never got the chance to know of Casanova Cupcake, as much as my family is right now, but I know she would have supported me in it no matter what. Or at least in the outfits.  So yesterday I finally finished writing the lyrics to our next song. We'll start recording ASAP. I hope when it comes out you'll all enjoy it.

Also thank you to all the amazing people that wished me the best and said prayers for my family. We owe all of you so much.

Asylum Letters will continue some time next week.


With much love,


J.S.